Investing & Retirement

Investing Advice from Senator Burr

Today, we have a special treat for Best Interest readers: an exclusive interview with Senator Burr.

In his first public comments since recent controversy, the North Carolinian opened up for an exclusive interview with The Best Interest. In typical Burr fashion, I’m now making this tête-à-tête public. He’s used to it by now.

GOP made sure Sen. Burr would be replaced by a Republican if he ...
“Sell that one.” -Senator Burr

I hope you learn the tips and tricks (emphasis on tricks) that have led to Senator Burr’s unusual stock market success.

Introducing Senator Burr

The Best Interest: Senator Burr, welcome to The Best Interest‘s co-working space. Why don’t you unfold that chair and take a seat?

I know why you’re here today. But I was hoping–in your own words–that you could explain the past few weeks to The Best Interest readers?

Senator Burr: Thank you, Jesse. This chair reminds me of a photoshoot I did last week at the orphanage. They were making me stand in front of all these dirty kids, and the kids were all sitting. Well, my bunions were killin‘ me. So I distracted one of the slower urchins and uh…appropriated…one of these here Wal-Mart chairs so I could sit.

Actually, that sounded bad. There’s got to be a better name for that?

Best Interest: Um, orphans, Senator. The children at orphanages are orphans.

Burr: No, not that name. I mean a better name for this chair. Calling it a “Wal-Mart chair” only slanders the good name of Wal-Mart.

Have you seen their dividends recently? Made me so much money that I just renamed my yacht “(A)Isle Nine.” Get it?

You ever been to Bermuda?

B.I.: Senator, please. Could you explain why you’ve been in the news?

Burr: Fine, fine. Well, I suppose it all comes down to good vs. evil. Or, as I like to say, capitalism vs. evil. That’s why I’m here.

You see, I sold some stock in February. I saw this whole COVID-19 thing coming. Actually, the big man says we gotta say Chinese Virus now. I saw this Chinese Virus coming. Like a prophecy.

You seen A Beautiful Mind? Remember when Russell Crowe sees the numbers all around him, and he’s doing math in mid-air? That was me, but with stocks and viruses.

Brilliant 'Mind' / Russell Crowe thoroughly convincing as a genius ...

Since I foresaw the downfall of the stock market, I sold while stocks were high. That’s just good business. And now all these evil anti-capitalists are jealous and making my life a living hell.

Best Interest: Wow. You must be a very skilled market timer. How did you actually know? It’s almost like you have inside sources.

Burr: Well…yes. I happen to be the chair the Senate Intelligence Committee. So I, uh, learned about the virus that way.

Best Interest: That’s right. In fact, you were getting daily briefings on the virus?

Burr: Well, sure I was. That’s part of the job. But what good is an intelligence briefing if you don’t choose to act on it? Right? Right?!

And act on it, I did. Smart folks said this pandemic was coming to our shores. They said it would affect the entire country. We saw it coming. And I acted! That’s perfectly normal.

Best Interest: Well, Rick—can I call you Rick?—most Americans would have preferred you acted in their best interests (see what I did there?) instead of acting in your own best interest (again, see that?).

When facing the early days of a logistic growth curve, every day counts. And you were using those days to count your profits—roughly $1 million.

By choosing to use this information for your own financial gain, not only are you a moral villain, but you’re also potentially a criminal. Wouldn’t you say you violated the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act?

If you didn’t know, or couldn’t tell by the name, it’s a fairly new law that prevents Congressmen from trading on inside congressional knowledge.

Burr: First off, I would not incriminate myself that way. Secondly, I know what the STOCK act is. And third, I think it’s dumb.

Best Interest: …is that…is that your defense?

Burr: Jesse, the good people of North Carolina elected me for a reason. Now, I’m assuming that reason is because I’m infallible.

So if I make a decision, it’s right. Why? Because the people of North Carolina elected me. I’ve got the mandate.

If I say the STOCK Act is dumb, then it’s dumb.

If I hear about a pandemic coming to the U.S.A., it’s my choice whether I lead an effort to save lives, or if I go sell off my Apple stock. Why? Because I’m a Senator.

Best Interest: Interesting. Now, I know that this is a massive strawman. I’m asking the questions, and (secretly) writing your answers for you. But it sure does seem like you actually think that way, doesn’t it?

Burr: Yeah it does. It really does seem like I care more about my profits and the profits for my large donors than I do about the lives of the unwashed masses. Wait…edit out that last part.

Best Interest: Sure. No problem. I’ll strike it out.

Burr: But let me point out one more thing. Since I don’t have a very strong backbone, I cave pretty easily to President Trump. So I was looking to him for advice. And look at what he was tweeting!

January 22: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. It’s going to be just fine.”

February 2: “We pretty much shut it down coming in from China.”

February 24: “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA… Stock Market starting to look very good to me!”

February 25: “CDC and my Administration are doing a GREAT job of handling Coronavirus.”

February 25: “I think that’s a problem that’s going to go away… They have studied it. They know very much. In fact, we’re very close to a vaccine.”

February 26: “The 15 (cases in the US) within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero.”

February 26: “We’re going very substantially down, not up.”

February 27: “One day it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.”

February 28: “Now the democrats are politicizing the coronavirus, you know that right? They’re politicizing it…they have no clue…they dont have any clue…this is their new hoax.”

February 28: “We’re ordering a lot of supplies. We’re ordering a lot of, uh, elements that frankly we wouldn’t be ordering unless it was something like this. But we’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical.”

March 2: “You take a solid flu vaccine, you don’t think that could have an impact, or much of an impact, on corona?”

March 2: “A lot of things are happening, a lot of very exciting things are happening and they’re happening very rapidly.”

March 4: “If we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work — some of them go to work, but they get better.”

March 5: “I NEVER said people that are feeling sick should go to work.”

March 5: “The United States… has, as of now, only 129 cases… and 11 deaths. We are working very hard to keep these numbers as low as possible!”

March 6: “I think we’re doing a really good job in this country at keeping it down… a tremendous job at keeping it down.”

March 6: “Anybody right now, and yesterday, anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. And the tests are beautiful…. the tests are all perfect like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good.”

March 6: “I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it… Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.”

March 6: “I don’t need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn’t our fault.”

March 8: “We have a perfectly coordinated and fine tuned plan at the White House for our attack on CoronaVirus.”

March 9: ““The Fake News Media and their partner, the Democrat Party, is doing everything within its semi-considerable power (it used to be greater!) to inflame the CoronaVirus situation, far beyond what the facts would warrant,”

March 13: “I take no responsibility.”

So I’m gonna follow our commander-in-chief’s example: I take no responsibility!

Sorry Jesse. Checkmate.

Secret Recording: Intelligence Chairman Warns Donors About ...
The “sorry, checkmate” grin

Best Interest: I’m speechless. Those Tweets, your actions…it all speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

Burr: Don’t be jealous, now. As an old mentor used to tell me, “It sucks to suck.”

Best Interest: It certainly does. At least you’re self-aware, Senator. Thanks again for your time. A big part of me hopes you and the (A)Isle Nine get pulled into a Lovecraftian vortex in the Bermuda triangle.

Burr: I’m gonna focus on the “Lovecraft” part of that statement. I, too, hope to turn the (A)Isle Nine into a “love craft,” if you catch my drift.

Best Interest: Please see yourself out, Senator Burr. I need to go find some Listerine.

Thanks for reading The Best Interest. The events described in this interview are fairly unique to today’s publishing date.


About Jesse Cramer

Jesse Cramer created The Best Interest to explain personal finance and investing in simple terms. His writing has been featured by CNBC, MSN, The Motley Fool, and other national publications. He resides in Rochester, NY with his girlfriend and their dog. Follow him on Twitter: @BestInterest_JC
View all posts by Jesse Cramer →

Leave a Reply